SUNSETS AND SORROWS

FFfAW Challenge – Photo provided by Footy and Foodie

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I was thirteen years old when I became fond of sunsets. It always brings me realizations. It makes me ponder on the day’s events, reflect on the big or little mistakes I did and smile at simple or noble deeds I made. It reminds me that as the day comes to an end, no matter how good or bad it had been, tomorrow will be another day.

As I stand here in the parking area, sadness overpowers the feeling of appreciation for the beauty of the sunset in front of me. Starting today, I will watch the sunset without the man who taught me to see its beauty. I will say goodbye to each day with sorrow, not knowing how I’ll face tomorrow.

I wipe away my tears and gather the strength to say my final goodbyes to my father in front of all who came to his wake.

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ADRENALINE RUSH

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My heart is beating fast. This is the first time in a long time that I felt this way again. Right now, all the episodes of my life where adrenaline got the best of me flashes back, as if I am living it all again. It all came rushing to me as fast as the beat of my heart…

Graduation day. You looked into my eyes, right before the ceremony started, and poured out your feelings for me. Even though I was unbelieving at first, the adrenaline came rushing to my head and I was able to brilliantly deliver my speech as the Summa Cum Laude of our batch. When I finished the speech, I scanned and searched among the faces of the audience while they gave me a standing ovation. It was not only your face that I found in the midst of that crowd then, but you, the love of my life, and that was then that I knew that I love you, too…

Marrying you. I felt the strong emotions flooded me as I clung to my father’s arm, though I was not sure if it was fear, worry or embarrassment. The doors in front of me opened and I did not notice that my steps were not in tune with the beautiful music because of my nerves. In my haste to close the distance between me and the altar, I nearly tripped over my long dress, if it weren’t for my father holding me tight to his arm. I composed myself and looked straight, and I thought it was your eyes which caused me to calm down and just relish the moment. It was then that I realized that the adrenaline rush was because of the love that brought us together at that place and time, which also helped me bring out the promises and formed them into words that I knew I will fulfill for the rest of my life…

Giving birth. The hurt in my tummy was killing me. I was transferred into a different hospital; the reason, I don’t know. Or care. I just wanted them to take away the pain. As if that was not enough, they told me to wait a little longer for the stretcher that will transfer me to a different room. Maybe it was because of the pain which was too much for me or the worry that my baby couldn’t take it any longer, I jumped out of the bed and screamed to the nurses to assist me to the room. What I remembered to happen next was looking at you holding our beautiful daughter, Andrea. You were there all along; you watched us (me and our daughter) and I knew that you were proud of us with the courage that we both showed you that time.

Protecting her. You were still at work when the burglar broke into our home. I was afraid and I did not know what to do. He had a knife and he was asking me to give him the code to our vault. I thought Andrea was asleep but I was shocked to see her running to the thief. I screamed but the man was faster than me. He grabbed Andrea and threatened to hurt her if I didn’t give him what he wanted. That was when I blacked out and the next thing I knew was that you were pulling me off the man and stopping me from stabbing his eye with his own knife. I realized I was bleeding and I remember you telling me that it was the bravest thing that I did just to protect our daughter.

After all those years, I never imagined that those feelings will come back to me, until today.

It’s your birthday. I plan to surprise you by showing up at your office but I’m the one who was surprised as I saw you at the other side of the street, waving at me. I waited for the signal to turn green. I waited with contentment in my heart, knowing that in just 33 seconds, I will be closing the distance between us.

With 10 seconds still left before the go-signal, I found myself crossing the street to push an unknown child, who crossed a little too early, out of the way of a ten-wheeler truck. I quickly looked at you again and saw your eyes fill with horror. I felt the beating of my heart as it became faster than the seconds ticking at the signal. 1, 2, 3, 4. Faster it went until I lost count, and then everything went black…

Photo from Google

I am Jill

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I am Jill. I’m 25 years old. Other than that, I cannot remember a single thing about myself.

I just woke up last night under this tree in front of this apartment. I had no memory of what happened before that. I cannot even remember where I came from.

A man came out of the apartment. I approached him to ask for help. I called to him. But he did not seem to hear me. He just walked straight ahead, as if I wasn’t there.

I neared the apartment entrance. I caught sight of the poster attached to its window. It read:

Missing: Jill Nyte. Last sighted in front of FM Apartment. Please report immediately to XXXX-XXX-XXXX.

At the center of the page is a picture of a beautiful woman’s face. My face.

I looked at the window to check if I still look the same and I heard my own intake of breath.

I saw no reflection.

At least I now know my last name.

158 words

For Flash Fiction for Aspiring Writer. Thank you TJ Paris for the photo prompt.

Am I beginning to lose my sanity?

So… I think I’m wallowing. I despise this feeling. I hate to show my pessimism to other people because it shows that I’m weak, I have a lot of fears and insecurities, and that I’m not matured enough. I’m also aware that this negative mood is catching so I might affect someone or it might cause them to repel me which I wanted the least. So, I just always pretend – which I know is a very unhappy word and is used mostly on sad reading material. But please, just please, allow me to use that a-bit-depressing-cliché and pardon me for this one post to briefly pour out my sentiment in this point of time in my life.

People think that I have the best in life. Screw that. I don’t! Or is it just my negative perspective? I’m not sure anymore. What I am sure is that I am not having the fulfillment anymore with most of the things that I do. Is it just because I do not really belong to that place and what I am doing is really not for me? Am I just overthinking things or am I starting to lose my sanity?

I can easily appreciate other things and other people but why the heck do I find it hard to appreciate the things that I do? Does this make sense at all? I’m not sure. What I just want to ask (myself or anyone who would be kind enough to care and read this) is: how will I find my worth? All I ever want is to know my worth because I sure as hell don’t see it now in this place.

Forgive me, reader. That’s all. Also, I appreciate you for clicking on this blog and caring to read my sad, selfish and somewhat not-so-important sentiment.

Miracles Do Happen

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No. I never believed that there are miracles. You wouldn’t if you were in my shoes.

They killed my parents. Then, they murdered the people who took care of me – who became my family. I hated those murderers but I know that would not bring my family back. So I tried to live. I tried to endure the pain, hatred, and anger that nearly caused my death. I didn’t allow those emotions to consume me because I repeatedly reminded myself that my survival is my family’s only memorial.

I watched the moon peer down on a diseased world. I witnessed as an entire race falls mindlessly into destruction. Not even a man with colossal power could be able to prevent the inevitable. Especially if that man is the one who controls that inevitable and let it happen to serve his own purpose.

Death no longer terrifies me. As with the other people who were like me. The smell of blood is as common as the smell of white roses. Why? It is because the world created slavery and savagery which let us surpassed the horror of dying. This could only be fought with more bloodshed and the cycle never ends.

I grew to crave for vengeance – to avenge those murderers. I know atonement cannot be achieved without the other person’s forgiveness, but I never forgave. Then again, I remembered a woman telling me long ago that the heart can forget tragedy when it is replaced with such deep devotion. So I became careful with the weakness of the heart that can be my most formidable enemy against the vengeance that I thirst for.

How pitiful, you might say. My very life turned to tragic. Ask me the greatest tragedy in my life. It is that I cannot give these thoughts to others like you with my voice. I can only write them… because I am mute. I became mute because of one of those murderers who mutilated me when I screamed at him the moment he pointed the gun at my mother. My scream was worthless. He cut my tongue out and pulled the trigger that ended the life of the woman who replaced my mother – the same woman who told me about the weakness of the heart. The memory of that woman, and many others who died a tragic death because of those heartless beasts, is what weakened my heart. The thought of them dead still even with the success of my revenge eliminated the thirst and only increased the ache and grief…

As I watched the entire race destroy itself with the plague that rooted from its forebear, I was able to reflect and question my own beliefs. Even though I will never believe that I will be able to speak again with my own voice, I believe that someday I will be able to release the destructive emotions that I grew with. Someday I will accidentally find that deep devotion and have a change of heart. I believe that someday, in the future, there will be a cure for the plague and the diseased will finally be healed… and only then will I let myself believe that miracles do happen.

Writer’s Note: This was inspired by Rourouni Kenshin the Movie. Most words were actually quoted from the English-translated movie.

Featured image from www.economist.com