OFFICE BLUES

IMG_20150423_181228So…I’m getting extremely exhausted with my job.

When this happens, everything tends to get disrupted. I stop socializing, I lose all motivation to work, I end up just wanting to lie in my bed and not come out of my room. At times like these, I really start to question whether my job is worth it. Perhaps I should scale my life back and grow accustomed to living with less, so that when things get too tough, i can just pull the plug on this company thing. I don’t mind the work and I don’t mind the responsibility, but sometimes, I really can’t deal with the pressure that I face with the people I have to work with and the way I need to widen my understanding with each of them—like I’m on a reality show in which I need to say the correct answer to all of their questions, I have to decide immediately on their confirmations, and I should deal with my subordinates and their issues. I’m like that every single day which is quite annoying and just tiring. But, I always find a way to still manage. I do my responsibility, as long as they do theirs, too, without complaining. Heck, I have a lot of complaints myself! But the moment they cross the line and I start to feel drained…I start feeling completely out of control.

I think I’m good at what I do. Even some colleagues say so, but that isn’t enough. Does the salary make it enough? I don’t think so. At moments like these, I really, really wish my rich prince would rescue me and tell me, “Hey, just quit your job, come with me, and do what you want.” But of course, fairy tales didn’t exist. So, screw that.

Today, my friend told me he thinks that I’m a really amazing writer, and that meant a lot coming from him. Although he’s not a writer himself, he can sing and play musical instruments extremely well, and, he is one of the most talented artists I know. It made me jealous that his life’s work is music, but then, when I thought about it, he worked harder than I ever did to enjoy the kind of life he does.

Maybe I’ll win the lottery tomorrow and this nightmare will pop.

There’s only one problem with that. I’m not betting on the lottery.

I’ve had coffee at Starbucks with him, and that sort of enlightened the heaviness that I feel. Tomorrow, I’m going to wake up, eat, and work really hard at the office and try and feel good about what I’m doing before leaving for Paris on Saturday night. Even though this will be my impossible dream every week, it’ll be OK because, eventually, I’ll always end up being OK.

Note: I’ve read a blog on Tumblr (http://jayarrarr.com/) which I can relate much. I wanted to re-blog, but I thought I wanted to pinpoint my thoughts, so I modified it. 🙂

RAIN, RAIN, GO AWAY

Papasok na ako sa office, bigla namang bumuhos ang malakas na ulan. Diyaskeng ulan. Kung kelan naman ako umalis, doon umulan ng malakas. At nakalimutan ko pa ‘yung payong ko. Asar. Pagdating ko sa office, basa na ako ng ulan. Bad trip…

Buti na lang hindi bagyo ‘to. Naalala ko ‘yung mga taong nasalanta ng mga nagdaang bagyo at ikinumpara ko ang sarili ko sa kanila. Nabasa ako ng ulan sa biyahe, samantalang sila, nasira ang bahay, nalubog sa baha ang mga gamit, nawalan ng pamilya… Sobrang mapalad at pinagpala pa rin ang mga taong katulad ko na hindi naperwisyo ng pag-ulan at baha. Ang gandang inspirasyon nito para makiisa sa pagtulong sa mga nasawimpalad.

Tiningnan ko ang cellphone ko. 12 messages received. Nang basahin ko, puro galing sa tropa kong broken hearted. Wala na sila ng jowa niya, mag-aapat na buwan na. Pare-pareho lang naman ang mga text. Hindi pa raw siya maka-move on kahit anong gawin niya, hindi na siya makapag-focus sa ibang bagay, blah, blah… Para bagang gusto kong maduwal. Kahit pa tropa ko siya ay gusto ko siyang batukan para magising na sa katotohanan. Para kasing pinagbagsakan ng langit at lupa. Akala mo namatayan. Samantalang yung ibang tao, na-kidnap ang anak, nabaril ang asawa, naaksidente ang mga magulang… Sila ang mga taong dapat maghinagpis dahil nawalan sila ng mahal sa buhay. Akala kasi natin minsan sa mga pinagdadaanan natin, tayo na ang pinakamalas, pero hindi natin nakikita ang mga bagay na dapat nating ipagpasalamat at pagtuunan ng pansin. Hamon nga siguro sa magkasintahan ng kasalukuyang henerasyon, ang mas importanteng mga bagay bago ang walang matibay na pundasyon na lablayp. Hehehe.

Habang naghihintay ako sa lamesa ko, tuloy naman ang malakas na ulan. Hanggang sa marinig ko na ang bell na simula na ng trabaho. Hindi ako makapag-focus sa trabaho ko dahil sa mga mata kong gustong-gusto nang bumagsak. Ayaw makisama. Para bagang gusto ko nang umuwi at umani ng tulog. Bakit ganun? Tuwing papasok na lamang ako sa trabaho, iniisip ko na agad ‘yung pag-uwi ko. Ilang porsyento kaya sa mga taong naghahanap-buhay ang nakakaramdam ng ganito? Isa ba ako sa mga biktima ng mediocrity? Napakalungkot naman kung ganun.

Hindi ko maisip kung paano ako makakauwi mamaya kapag hindi tumila ang malakas ng ulan kaya’t pinagpatuloy ko na lang ‘yung trabaho ko at pakikipagbuno sa antok habang patuloy na bumubuhos ang ulan at hindi ko namamalayang napapakanta pala ako ng “rain, rain, go away, come again another day…”. Pero sa isip lang syempre.

Kung Ako Si Kat…

Kung ako siya, marami akong gustong gawin.
Marami rin akong nakikitang gusto kong baguhin.
Ang mga mali ay aking itatama,
at itutuwid ang kumakanan at kumakaliwa.

Kung ako siya, marami akong pagkakataon
na magbagong-buhay ngayong taon.
Ang mga nasa panganib ay aking tutulungan,
Ang mga nakasasalat ay aking bibigyan.
Tuturuan ko ang mga mas pinagpala
na ibahagi ang pagkaing kanilang inihahanda.
Ituturo ko rin sa mga mangmang
ang lahat ng bagay na hindi pa nila alam.
Gagawin ko ‘yon lahat
kung ako lang si Kat,
kaso hindi naman ako siya.
Paano na ‘yan? Hala…

Kung hindi naman ako si Kat,
susuportahan ko siya dapat
kasi siya ang nasa posisyon na ‘yon
pero kailangan niya rin ng aking tulong.
Mahirap maging siya,
iyon ba ay naisip mo na?
Ang magdesisyon para sa nakararami
at isantabi ang hangaring pansarili.

At kahit hindi pa siya si Kat,
Matuwid lang siya, iyon ay sapat.
Sapagkat siya ang iniluklok,
sa kanya ako’y magpapasakop.

REFLECTION

mirror-reflection-hd-wallpaper-picture-d01I’ve always like mirrors. Not because I’m vain but of what image it shows me…

I sighed. I waited until the moon put itself to view as I wondered how I would face the sunlight again. I read myself to sleep just like what I do every night and then I was surprised to find myself standing up again to face another day. I fixed myself and prepared to put on the mask I always wore. I walked out and faced the people with a different aura. A whole lot different from what I feel inside. Like an actress in a play I climbed the stage and worked my best to carry out the script the writer and director handed me. I forced myself to act what they expected me to be.

I tried to walk away, not that I want to be alone nor did I want to be crowded by people who didn’t know who I really am.

I saw a crowd. They seemed happy. I knew that from the smiles they’re wearing, like they don’t have to pretend. I can’t help but envy them. Unlike what they do, I’m not used to expressing myself to others. The feelings I’m keeping at the back of the mask all stayed locked up.

After I wandered, I came back and looked at the mirror. I was glad because I didn’t see the mask I wore. Instead I saw myself. I saw my face, every expression I’m hiding. I looked again, expecting to see my face, but I didn’t. Instead I saw all the things I’ve done and heard the words I’ve spoken. I saw the people whom I cherish and who are so close to my heart. I became conscious of my mistakes and smiled at the noble deeds I’ve done. I reflected on it all, through that little mirror. Just a while ago, I was confused and dubious and perplexed. All was gone the moment I took a gaze on that reflection. Things became crystal clear. Little by little, I absorbed the worth of each detail of my existence.

I’ve always liked mirrors because through them, I was able to see the truth behind all the scripts in the play. With them, I can glimpse, every so often, at the old and real reflection of my face, of my life, of my soul…

self_reflection

Living Underneath the Shadows

Cartoons_The_robot_looks_at_the_cockroach_cartoon_098156_Out of the dark that puts a shadow
Over the place she called home
Silently unlike any other,
Underneath the black shade she’d roam.

She’d dance around gently, unnoticed
Seeking calmly and creeping quietly
Searching for pleasure until she ceased
But wander she did, ever so slowly.

Some feared and loathed her
But she never bothered.
They never tried to wonder
Why her existence mattered.

Just at that moment of happiness
Will then she’d smell her death.
Like a heroin it would cause her faintness
There’ll begin all her torment.

She longed to have a happy ending
So she’d fly above the shadow
Not knowing seconds are just remaining
Until her life would end in sorrow.

Writer’s Note: This is a poem inspired by a cockroach. Really.