I am at the office right now in front of my computer and I can’t work. Heck I’m so sleepy. I can’t think straight and all I can think about is you…
Did I just type that? Yeah, I did. Why am I so dramatic these days? I’ll admit: these past few days, I’ve been daydreaming a lot. Like a lot. I’m reminiscing and wishing that I have the power to turn back time so that I’ll be back to the time that you’re that comical little guy who was in love with me.
Well, you said you were. I remember every detail of it. I admit that I was unbelieving at first. I also did not trust myself to fall for you because I know I’m going to be hurt in the end. So I just hung on and waited to see if you were telling the truth. I told you to hold on and wait for me because I just knew that it was not the right time and I was not prepared enough. I admit I was a bit playing hardball that time.
You held on. I saw you, at peripheral view, showing how you cared for me. I remember the night that you even said it directly to me. You loved me. And as I looked into your eyes, I just knew, you were the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
It sounds corny, but yes, I felt that. Yet, I was still a coward. I didn’t know how to do it that time. I expected too much. I guess I was so sure that you’ll always be there for me until the time that I become ready. I think I took you for granted. I did not even notice you slipping away from me when we parted ways. My life continued. I almost forgot about you. Almost.
Then I saw you again. I was hoping that you’ll look at me like how you’ve looked at me before. It took me long enough to realize that it will not happen. I was confused and hurt, but I never admitted it. Even to myself. We parted again and I guess I was hoping at the back of my mind that fate is only waiting for the right time to bring me back to you.
The right time came. Our paths crossed again, but this time, you had someone else with you. I ached again but I convinced myself that I hated you for lying to me. You said before that you loved me and you’ll wait for me, but there you were: you found someone else.
I watched you from afar. You were happy. I envied you. But I was also sad that I hated you when you were happy. So I gave up. I tried to get a life. I tried to be happy for you. I even found someone else too, and I was glad because I thought that even though we’re parted, we will be both happy.
But I never was. I became confused. I was sorrowed once more because I knew I hurt someone because of my love for you. Yeah, it was then that I realized that I love you, that I’ve loved you ever since you first told me that you did. Then I went through deep pain because I knew that I will never have you again.
When I heard that you parted ways with her, I’ll admit that I was surprised. Yes, a bit overjoyed too. This time, I hope I am not a fool again to wait for fate to bring you back to me. Here I am, waiting and wishing in silence. I am becoming more and more impatient as time goes by and nothing happens still. So I am thinking that maybe this time, it’s my turn to give a go. Yet, as the coward that I am, I don’t know how to do it. How am I gonna confess that you are still the one that I see my future with? I blame this to my arrogance and fears. It scares me that I’ll pass the chance again. What if this is my last chance?
I don’t think I’m ever gonna have the courage to tell you personally everything that I wanted to say to you, all the more than I’m never gonna have the guts to give you this letter. I don’t even know why I wrote this. It’s all maybe because I’m too sleepy. Yeah, maybe I’ll take a nap and who knows… maybe I’ll dream about you and your arms around me. But then again, I fear that I’m just going to be disenchanted when I wake up and realize that you’ll just exist in my dreams forever. So I’ll just sit here, wait for the bell to ring, and save this letter until the time that it’ll find its own way to you.