Today is my birthday and I am sad. Really, really sad. Or is it annoyance? Hurt? Frustration? I don’t know. I am not one to celebrate birthdays. I mean, yes, I greet family and friends during their birthdays but during mine, it’s just too awkward for me. Yes, I’m weird that way. I don’t want to celebrate, I don’t want to go out, meet and talk to other people because they will just either ask me to treat them or greet me and I’d say ‘thank you’ with other awkward things or gestures, or I’d just awkwardly listen to them singing to me the Happy Birthday song. I just don’t like that feeling. But this year, I thought everything will change. I looked forward to this day, even planned a bit for it. Why? Because I have someone special to celebrate with. Yes, I imagined this day with him spending time with me and my family. So what the heck happened? Why am I in my room feeling the same way that I am feeling every year during my birthday? Don’t I deserve something different? Or am I not prepared for it? Why?
Covid-19 happened. The heck with it. It hit our family. So plans were flushed down the drain. Great. Again, you would say that I am just ungrateful, not seeing all the blessings that the Lord provided me. I am not, okay? I am very much thankful to the Lord for all the blessings: healing us from this sickness, provision for my family, people remembering my birthday and sending love through their greetings… Oh, yes, I see all of those things and I try my best to express my gratitude to the Lord. But this feeling, this is different. I just don’t know how to put it into words to make sense of it. There’s just something in there inside, something going on inside the head and heart and I just can’t find the words to describe it. I just know that it’s a negative something. And I don’t like it. I don’t like it but I want to savor it while it’s here. See. It doesn’t make sense. Even to me. But somehow, it does. Right? Just humor me, please.
I want to cry. I want my tears to flow while I write. There’s too much inside and I want to let it out through those tears. But not a single one would fall. Why? Why won’t tears just fall down so that this heavy thingy inside would ease at least?
If those stubborn tears won’t show, okay, I want to sleep. It’s 2:32 in the afternoon and I feel sleepy. I am yawning now as I write this sentence. But I know that if I turn off my laptop and lie down, I will still be conscious. This is happening to me for more than two weeks now. I can’t sleep even though I am very sleepy. Even at night. Before Covid-19 happened to our family, I sleep like a princess. Whenever I feel drowsy, I just lie down and then I sleep. Sometimes, I don’t even have to make myself comfy. I can just rest my head somewhere, close my eyes, and then I slip out of consciousness. Now, it is too hard for me to find that sleep. When I do, I wake up to realize it’s still either night time or three in the morning. Why did this happened to me? Is this what they called depression or anxiety? I think no. Right? This isn’t it, is it?
It’s just here. This feeling. I just don’t know what to name it. But it’s here. I know. And it doesn’t feel good. I want it gone. I know it will fade, perhaps in a matter of days or weeks. Oh please, don’t let it be months or years. Maybe tomorrow, it will be gone and I’ll be okay. For now, while it’s here, I’ll savor it and let it do the writing for me. See, I just wrote what I truly feel. I already have six paragraphs worthy of blog. I’ll post this tonight. Wish I’d remember to. Thank you, nameless feeling.
Oh, and happy birthday, self. Happy 29th. I pray and wish that this will be the last birthday that you’ll have this nameless feeling. I pray that you will have something different next year – a positive thingy – which will do the writing for you. Maybe you’ll come up with something positive, for a change. I pray that you’ll get the desires of your heart, everything that you’re praying for ever since, everything that you deserve to have, and more. More than this. Happy birthday.
P.S. I’m posting this now. I remembered. Yay.